And I am just so tired.
I don’t do anything with my day.
I am so sick and I can’t eat.
And no one cares.
I’m alone all day.
I miss you. So much.
And I’m just starting to wonder if all this is worth it.
I have almost no one to live for.
But I don’t know if I can do it without you.
I don’t know if it’s even worth it anymore.
Is life itself worth it anymore?
Mattie;
I’m sorry
I couldn’t do anything…
I wish we never had that fight…
and I want to go back in time and change things.
Even though I know I can’t
Every night I go to sleep I think of you and I know you won’t be next to me in bed in the morning saying good morning like you always used to say
I’ll never see your smile again…
I only remember pushing everyone out of my way
I didn’t want to believe it… I couldn’t believe
I had to see you with my own eyes
I know that Ash and Jazzie were holding me not to hurt anyone… Even though the one responsible for that was me
Tears were running down my face and I couldn’t stop shouting out loud your name… Waiting… Hoping… Wanting to hear you answer me back
Unfortunately that didn’t happen…
Your answer didn’t come…
I was hoping to hear that “It will be ok…” or “I’m fine”… followed by a soft laugh…
But it didn’t happen…
I also remember that…. after a couple of hours I saw your brother…
His eyes were all red…
He cried a lot too…
I remember him getting close to me… I could see the hatred in his eyes…
Even now…. I’m not able to face him…
I could read everything in his eyes… He wanted me dead in that instant… He knew…. He knew what happened…
He probably felt it before it happened…
just like Jazzie did…
Jazzie loved you by the way….
She loved and cared about you more than you can imagine..
You were like a brother to her…
always there when she needed help… You were the first she would go to when she was in trouble…
She misses you like crazy… And I do too….
I told her that if I died I would no longer have any regrets…
But she noded with a sad look on her face…
then she put one of her hands on my forehead and asked
“would you really be satisfied?”
in that second she made me see…
I could see then… all of our friends… crying…
sadness everywhere…
then more important…
I could see you…
In that instant I’ve seen you… looking at me with a sad and disappointed look on your face…
then I heard you whispering “What have you done Seb..?”
you repeated that again and again starting to shout it then you bursted out into tears still saying “what have you done Seb…”
I guess you already know she’s getting better and better at what she’s doing…
I can’t fully understand what she has done…
I only know that when I opened my eyes there were tears on my face and I wanted to live…
I wanted to stay alive as long as I could…
Now it’s been more than two years
but I remember it like it was yesterday..
and I only wish I could see your smile again.
you were always cheering me up…
you always used to say “It will be ok..”
you’re the one that completely changed my life
It took me a long time to accept the fact that you’re not here with me anymore…
but I know you’re in a better place now.
I wish I could hold you in my arms again
I will never forgive myself
I never cried the way I cried when you left
I still cry…
every time I look over your pictures
When I think about all the unforgivable things i told you that night I only wish I could come after you and tell you how much I regret those words
I’ll never be able to love someone else the way I loved you
No one could ever replace you…
I keep your diary under my pillow…
I always read some stuff you wrote there when I’m sad…
It seems like you’re cheering me up even when you’re not here.
But still…
you promised…
you promised you’ll always be here with me
you promised you’ll never leave me…
you said “I’ll be with you forever”
but still…you left
Its not your fault…
but I feel so lonely without you…
this world is empty without you…
You said you’ll stay with me until death splits us apart..and you said that even if it happens you’ll still watch me every second…But I never thought death will really split us apart so soon…but it did…
I still wish that night was only a nightmare…
I’ll never feel your warm breath late at night again…
I’m never going to be able to kiss you in the morning again.
I try and hide my sadness behind a big sweet smile…
Sounds crazy doesn’t it?
I guess I just got used with it…
I could stay here and write all day about you
it was so easy for you to find your words…
I’m giving my best to find words good enough to describe how I still feel about you…But I just don’t have the talent you had
I’ll never ever forget you…
My beloved one…
I’m ok now… Friends helped me almost get over it…
Jazz helped me a lot…
she says you’d be very sad knowing i would never smile….
So you should know that she’s the one that told me to keep my smile…
for you…
Even though I’m fine….
I can’t wait to be with you again…
well…I guess…I’ll only see you again in the other world…
I love you.
